I knew a second thing for sure by 12:30PM, and that was that Cherie's Antique Emporium is located on Lickinghole Road.
A bit of backstory- Five or so years ago when I was in Garden Ridge purchasing a golden bird Christmas ornament for my hair, I happened down the outdoor decor aisle. I was pleased to discover on this aisle that, contrary to what I had always assumed, the enormous light up Nativity characters were available for individual purchase. Because I was amused by this and because I didn't have room in my apartment at the time for either a cow or the tallest of the wise men, I purchased the baby in the manger piece. I figured this would serve well as an ambient night light, should that need arise, and also as a potentially amusing conversation piece. (Note: it only works as a conversation piece if you converse about it. I learned this in the case of one Alexander Sapp, who saw it once sitting unplugged next to the oven and has not seemed quite comfortable around me since.)
Anyway, the need of a night light has yet to arise, but- I did purchase two luscious pomegranates (I say luscious because they are round; I actually know nothing about the desired attributes of pomegranates) at Kroger yesterday. When I arrived home, I realized I had no bowl in which to place them, or fruit of any kind. Not wanting to just lay them on the counter top lest they roll off and splatter, I finally realized an excellent sitting place for them was just off the shoulders of the baby in the manger.
But I still wanted a fruit bowl. I figured- a cool fruit bowl could be found. Something covered in jewels or something. So this morning, I picked up Adam Dorland, who is excellent at shopping for such items, and after a brief stop for egg sandwiches, we went on our way. There is an antique store in Ashland, VA which Adam frequents and which I have visited on occasion. Always entertaining, always lots of rotting chairs, always a difficult time getting to the restroom due to dangerous numbers of portraits propped up in the hallway. Today, however, not only was the iron cat doorstop wearing lipstick I wanted too expensive, there also was no fruit bowl to suit my specifications.
We decide to go to the gas station. I love going to the gas station. No matter WHAT, I can always find something I like there. En route, Adam consults his phone and discovers that there is another antique store less than a mile away. The gas station trip turns out to be a raging triumph, and, riding the exhilarating wave of that success, we decide to throw caution to the wind and check out Cherie's Antique Emporium.
Google Maps directs us to a tiny road behind a strip mall which is lined neatly with very small, very warehouse-y looking shops. So, we are not expecting this "Emporium" to be much. We scoff in the car as we approach. "What does 'Emporium' even literally mean? I'd always figured it meant large in some way. Psshhht." (Side note: Just looked it up. Merriam Webster features the word "large" nowhere in the definition.)
We pull up. The store facade is, indeed, very wee. Scattered across the lawn are enormous wooden cutouts of such characters as Elvis and a baby-delivering stork. There is a square of folding tables assembled on which are many boxes of Ziploc bags full of jewelry. These bags are labeled with what is inside. Which was helpful and not at all creepy until we got to the one labeled "SINGLE EARRINGS." I've thought about this for a little while though, and realized that for those bold enough to mix-n-match, this is not an bad idea. Also, you could use a single earring as a brooch for a baby.
I am thinking at this point that checking out the inside of the store may not take long at all, and how we should go get frozen yogurt. But then we open the door.
I have NEVER in my life seen so many things. Never. It was like if six centuries worth of people had been saving all their things for their whole lives and storing them in an attic, and then when each new generation got started- nothing got cleared away- the older stuff just got pushed to the back of the shelf and the new stuff placed in front of it. Shelves full to the back wall of figurines, books, roller skates, teacups, statues, dolls. You couldn't really even remove at item to check and see if you wanted to buy it because if you did, the whole shelving unit wobbled and threatened to fall over. I'm sure the store owners have no idea what's even there beyond a certain layer.
Speaking of the store owner, if this person's name was "Cherie," I'll eat a box of thorny spatulas.
I will now give you a brief overview of the selection available to you should you happen up Lickinghole Road and into this particular emporium:
-Thousands of ceramic roosters. Matt Shofner would've been in heaven, and Adam and I debated over which one, of them all, would be the best one to get him were we to get him one today. We then decided that one day Matt is probably going to regret announcing to everyone his affinity for roosters as his home already at this early point in life has many things rooster-shaped; salt and pepper shakers, mantelpiece regalia, sofas. Not really sofas. But I think that would be awesome.
-Those clear glass round adorable gemstone bears from the late 1980s with your color gemstone cut into the shape of a heart and glued in the corresponding location on the bear's chest. I always wanted one of those. I restrained myself.
-A very tiny old plastic chicken which if you smash down on his head will lay 3 eggs for you. $20.
-A rubber pumpkin SO tiny it could not even fit a price tag. I like to pretend that if something is not marked with a price, it is free. I'll let you decide if I stole that free pumpkin or not.
-A doll lady in a long fruit-print dress with sausage curls and a sad expression whose job it is to hang from a hook and have trash bags pulled out of her bottom. Seen below:
We then discovered the store was arranged into Sections. For example:
-The Boxes of Horses Section.
-The Homey Signage Section.
-The Ceramic Cats Section (Anyone who knows me knows I deserve a medal for not having any more ceramic cats to my name after this adventure.) I have included a photograph of this particular cat because it is a cat made in an identical mold to the cat which I took a shine to and started carrying around at a party held at Paul Major's deceased grandmother's home and eventually was told I could just have when I refused to put it down for anything, including photographs or eating. But- this one has green eyes, and mine has blue.
-The Extremely Creepy Dolls Who Look Like Corpses Section. This one I liked because it was obviously a baby with white hair. Or a baby going as Einstein for Halloween. And either option is creepy when said baby is prone on a scarlet pillow.
-The Decanter Section. This was a great section. I didn't take a picture because I felt as though I may have been under surveillance, but you should know there was a Colonel Sanders Decanter. OR- you can't be sure- it may have been a Frank Creasy In His Role As Cousin Jeff In Virginia Repertory Theatre's Production Of "Mame" Decanter.
-The Lighthouse Section. I was delighted to discover this section because my father loves lighthouses, but alas, none of these lighthouses came quite up to snuff.
-The Gnome/African Safari Animal Section. An obvious pairing. Gnafrica.
-The Tiny Ceramic People Audra Needs To Put On Her Bookcase Next To Her Tiny One-Handed Ceramic Nun Section. A purchase was made.
-The I Was Seriously Considering Getting Bangs After Maggie Took This Picture:
-The Dolls Who Are Either Sad Because Their Eyes Are Sewn Shut Or Are Having Nightmares Section. This section was somewhat sparsely populated.
And finally...
-The Section Where Everything Seems Unrelated But I Really Hope There's A Secret Connection Section.
For example, this beautiful Flamenco lady guitarist, scale, and stuffed goose. On that note, I will give $5 to the first person to successfully come up with a good answer to the riddle of what those three things have in common. Bo Wilson? Ford Flannagan? Irene Ziegler?
I made two purchases, one of which is a small, very scrolly, elegant pitcher covered in tiny cameo paintings of all the Presidents of the United States. And Beethoven. It's labeled Andrew Jackson but I maintain it's Beethoven.
Adam made the following purchase:
We told the person behind the counter it was my birthday and I smiled so I received $5 off my items. Then the person behind the counter told us that we hadn't seen the dead bodies yet.
So after we left Cherie's, we were still sans fruit bowl. Adam suggested Diversity Thrift. Which was a great call, because we saw Lucian Restivo and I was also able to purchase 4 yellow plates, 4 yellow cereal bowls, and a huge yellow fruit bowl AND sex for $3. See?
And I'm especially excited because my newly purchased yellow cereal bowls will go great with my newly purchased birthday Count Chocula. Success.
And now Baby Jesus has nothing to hold.
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