BRATTY AND THE TUT NAY*

Ahem.
.....Somewhere deep in a dark pit, Jason Marks' henchperson presses Play.....
Once upon a time, downstage center, 
An unidentifiable ensemble member stood downstage of an 11 year old backdrop.
Although he had on a very necessary puppeting cape, 
The Ensemble Member was actually thinking about his "Be Our Guest" dance break coming up 9 hours from now.
But then, just 16 measures later, 
Another Ensemble Member who may or may not be Hannah Zold turned to face the audience,
And offered him a witch puppet in return for his agreeing to be her scene partner.
Repulsed by her haggard puppet, 
The Prince sneered at the lady Ensemble Member, 
And turned away up left.
But she jiggled her puppet at him scoldingly, 
For the director had told her to do so.
And when he dismissed her again, 
Hannah did a quick pirouette to disguise her puppet's quick change and turned back DS
To reveal Rue McClanahan.
The Prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, 
For she could tell he hadn't finished "The Golden Girls" on Hulu.
And as punishment, 
She pressured him into a quick change as well, 
And placed a powerful spell on whatever lived upstage of the drop, 
And all the other cast members.
Ashamed that his costume in no way matched the one Matt Polson would appear in later,
The beast remained stoically standing DS of his puppeteer, 
With a magic mirror toy from Party City as his only link to the rest of the evening.
The Rose she had offered, 
Was truly an enchanted rose, 
Which would bloom for probably the whole run.
If he could learn to love "The Golden Girls," 
And make it up to Hannah and her creepy puppet
By the time the rose prop fell apart, 
Then the spell would be broken.
If not, he would be doomed to remain in the wrong costume
Til the show closed on May 14th.
As the weeks passed, 
He fell into despair, and lost all hope, 
For who could ever learn to love... TUT NAY*.

*The writer's phone auto-corrected "Beauty and the Beast" to BRATTY AND THE TUT NAY. So here we are.

Chauncey nips nimbly out of her mobile cottage on a sunny country morn only to be immediately taken aback by the alarming presence of two puppets creepily eyeing her from the front lawn. Trespassers. Determined despite the creepiness to continue with her performance of the opening number of "Beauty & The Beast," Chauncey trips blithely past the puppets and begins her rotation of lovely laps beneath and over the one bridge in town. This bridge, being 11 years old, may be condemned, but everyone here is notably optimistic and repeatedly throws caution to the wind. It's a fascinating town- a small tribe of children emerge periodically and stomp rhythmically across the courtyard. Brandon Johns lives in this town, and prides himself on possessing the best bread tray prop in all the land. Most of the townsfolk attempt to be blase about the fact that a woman dressed as Belle from Disney's "Beauty & The Beast" is in their midst, but let's face it- everyone loves that movie and those songs and so, whenever Chauncey gets to a particularly choice section of the number, they all freeze in their tracks to listen. As the number progresses, everyone becomes increasingly aware of how amazing they sound as an ensemble and eventually, everyone is participating wholeheartedly. The number comes to a rousing close. Everyone is pleased with themselves and mostly disperse, with the exception of Landon Nagel- who is wearing Matt Polson's costume from years ago- and a trio of young women disguised as tablecloths in an attempt to sneak up on Mandon Nolson (which is what everyone has taken to calling him until his identity can be verified one way or the other).
Mandon tries to persuade Chauncey that she'd be much better off just agreeing to exit with him downstage right immediately so everyone could call it a night and retire to Quirk, but Chauncey, as demonstrated by her elegant character shoes and crystal tones, is a consummate professional and firmly insists on continuing with the show. 
Suddenly Richard Koch appears wearing the skeleton version of Christie Jackson's hat from "Croaker" and produces a noise from his cart startling enough to successfully evict all children and women named Audra from the audience. In celebration of what will now doubtless be a much quieter evening, Chauncey gifts Richard a long red scarf to keep him warm on this beautiful summer day and sends him off into the fabric forest. 
Richard is having a fine time, crafting bits of the number he just shared with Chauncey into a reprise befitting of his current circumstances when- WHAM. Out of nowhere a small troupe of modern dancers protesting PETA pop out of the woodwork. Good heavens- Richard thinks- they've all got years of Fosse dance background and are CLEARLY artists! Where did they go so wrong as to fall into murdering wildlife for their pelts???? Aghast though he may be, Richard finds himself drawn into the protester's beautifully executed dance routine and doesn't even notice when they break the cardinal actor rule of only touching props which belong to you and start to strike his cart off left. But, distracted as they are by their cause, the protesters can't even commit to that and leave the cart idling left of forest center.
Regaining his wits, Richard finds himself in the foyer of a dark, dark castle beset by woe. The three inhabitants he meets straightaway are nearing their wit's end. Upon inquiring into their plights, Richard learns that everyone has been driven nearly to distraction by the out of control antics of the giant house-cat and their inability to reign in this terrible beast. They've apparently spoiled him rotten and the resulting progressively violent nature of said house-cat - called TUT NAY- has resulted in everyone's near madness. Some people have begun dressing as household appliances for safety! Something must be done. But what? 
Suddenly a clatter on the stairs! Richard finds himself, flanked by a dramatically gorgeous woman dressed as a fuzzy banister and two gentlemen: one in a clock costume with a pharaoh headdress and the other dressed as, for all Richard can figure, George Washington the Pyromaniac, gazing with trepidation at the doorway.
TUT NAY appears. Monstrous. Hulking, stomping- wearing clothes!!!- and clearly in possession of a very recent perm. Richard is shocked. People these days and their pets! You gave the cat a CAPE?
The elegant banister, Pyro-George, and the pharaoh decide that to be on the safe side, Richard should hang out in a closet downstairs until TUT NAY goes down for his afternoon nap. 
Meanwhile, back at the village, the mobile cottage rolls in again for a fuel-up and Mandon Nolson seizes this opportunity to again try and convince Chauncey that he is Matt Polson. Chauncey pretends to sweep until it is clear Mandon is not backing down, and then retreats into her cottage. Suddenly, Caleb Wade rushes in- he's on the run because it's become clear that he's stolen Audra's socks from "Into the Woods" and now she knows about it. Not only that, he's also stolen Richard's scarf! These actors! If it's not your prop or your costume, hands off!
Frustrated, Chauncey calls for another scene shift and, once her cottage has reversed to a safe distance, enters the castle looking for Richard. She finds him almost immediately, but, enjoying the fabulous reverb effect on her mic, pretends to look for him a little while longer.
Being a kind soul, Chauncey decides to go on with the scene, as she knows the two ensemble members standing frozen pretending to be suits of armor are probably anxious to get on with things. She approaches Richard's cell. Then-- a snarl from downstage right. Here comes TUT NAY. 
Chauncey analyzes him carefully. She's a dog person, normally, but given her immense respect for Richard, and knowing how much it would rock his world to be able to chill in the dressing room for the rest of the show, she decides to offer herself as a substitute. TUT NAY concedes. Chauncey feigns cowering on the floor- no way is she letting TUT NAY know that when he took off his hoodie, she could totally tell that his horns were squishy and now all she can think of when she sees him is giving them a squeeze. 
TUT NAY grimly escorts Chauncey to her bedroom, hoping against hope that she will not notice that there is no door. Chauncey - again, having her wits about her- does notice, but decides to pretend she doesn't so that a performance of "Home" will make sense. 
Following this plaintive ballad, the Coloratura Wardrobe Turtle makes her presence known just stage left of the bed. Initially alarmed, Chauncey is then both deeply impressed and disturbed to truly learn the lengths these people will go to protect themselves from TUT NAY's savagery. 
Then Georgia comes in dressed a a teapot and sings for 10 bars and all is right with the world.
Meanwhile- again- back in the village, Mandon has taken over Hardywood and is slumped in his chair ruminating over what in the blazes it could be about his costume that is not convincing Chauncey that he is Matt Polson. His wig is on point, he's saying all the same lines, singing the same songs, WTF? Before he can sink too far into his ponderings Caleb (those are Audra's socks, damn it) prances is and proceeds to distract Mandon and the entire brewery with a song and dance number which, to a certain Evil Queen's credit, contains a dance break so intricate and fabulous it literally made a baby last Thursday at the matinee scream "Cheers!"
Back at the castle, TUT NAY has descended from his elaborate cat tower and is pacing with a platter of Fancy Feast. He's so caught up in figuring out how to appropriately address Chauncey that he takes no notice of the fact that her bedroom has mysteriously vanished. At a loss, he turns to the humans in the house for help. Georgia, the banister, the pharaoh, and Pyro-George all offer their best advice, but it's been so long since TUT NAY displayed any manners that even his best attempt at inviting Chauncey downstage right for the dinner-themed production number meet with failure. A tickling of a memory....did he once upon a time tell a girl named Audra that she ruined Christmas all because she overcooked an english muffin......? No, no. Another life. 
Frustrated, TUT NAY retreats to his cat tower for a cat nap. He's got just the corner for such things.
But- as the saying goes- while the cat's away........the rest of the ensemble will perform an epic production number.
Chauncey sneaks away downstairs and is treated to a gorgeously performed dinner featuring solos by a knife, free-range pasta, and the magic carpet from "Aladdin." Floating on air, Chauncey ascends the stairs to her bed chamber, but is tempted by the shadowy recesses of the forbidden west wing. She's heard that show is VERY GOOD, and having yet to stream it on Netflix, decides to makes the most of her imprisonment and at the very least, get that series under her belt. She arrives at the top of the stairs, but to her surprise, discovers not a laptop computer but a glowing, floating rose! Awesome! It's so enchanting she momentarily forgets her impeccable theater training and is reaching for A PROP THAT ISN'T HERS (these people!) when suddenly TUT NAY leaps from the shadows! He roars, he scolds, he has a fit. Does she have any idea what that prop cost?!? Mortified, Chauncey flees the tower and races down the stairs, headed, no doubt, for the fabric forest and certain death. TUT NAY is horrified by what he has done, and that his cat instincts have gotten the better of him- never able to resist a string. He knows he must go after her! Plead with her to return! She's the only chance he has! But first- a power ballad.
TUT NAY dramatically descends the stairs from the tower and crosses all the way down into the courtyard. He is so wrapped up in his drama he completely misses the fact that his home is being repossessed right behind his back.
Finally, TUT NAY charges into the forest to save Chauncey. As he expected, she's been approached by that troupe of Fosse protesters. He's SO over them. Grateful for his recent turn as Curly in Riverside's "Oklahoma" for affording him dream ballet training, he leaps into the fray and makes short work of the troublesome troupe. Chauncey is impressed. 
The two return to the palace where they proceed to make friends and fall into a more comedic pattern of speech. Things get going so well at one point TUT NAY deigns to gift Chauncey his entire library- all the while hoping against hope she won't notice that only one book in the whole place is actually functional. 
Soon it's time for the title number. Everyone hustles to change. All parties enter grandly right on cue. TUT NAY nearly pulls a muscle in his crotch going for the Alexander Sapp "Summer in Smoke" wooing a lady pose on the staircase, but bravely forges on. 
Then Georgia comes back out as a teapot and sings for even more bars and all is right with the world.
Chauncey and TUT NAY, after several successful rounds of dipping and nuzzling, retire downstage center where, overcome with passion, TUT NAY gifts Chauncey his favorite toy mirror from Party City which reminds her she better go backstage and check on Richard. 
Dejected, but knowing he's done the right thing by letting Chauncey go, TUT NAY retreats to his cat tower and takes off his horns. 
Meanwhile - again - back in the village, Caleb is still wearing Audra's socks and the rest of the ensemble is really spoiling for a production number. Seizing on any opportunity, they leap into song and dance at the illumination of Chauncey's party mirror and proceed to do epic crowd-pattern choreography the entire way into the fabric forest and right on up to the castle doors, whereupon the women and children immediately say cash me outside and leave the menfolk to handle the people dressed as appliances all on their own.
The castlefolk triumph- no problem. Except for Mandon Nolson- the lead bad guy- who they let slide upstairs unannounced. Mandon sneaks into the cat tower. This is GREAT, he thinks. Finally I'll rid the world of this TUT NAY, who is secretly actually my arch-nemesis Matt Polson, and both Chauncey and the role of Gaston will be MINE!
Poor Mandon. As he peels the pile of purple fabric posing as TUT NAY from the floor, he realizes it's not Matt Polson at all! It's a male ensemble member! Perhaps the selfsame ensemble member from the prologue seeking revenge? Too late! Mandon stabs the mystery ensemble member in the back and he who is pretending to be TUT NAY, outraged at having been attacked just because he was wearing the same purple cape Matt had on earlier, tosses Mandon off the back of the set. Where he may actually have died, for I haven't seen him since.
Exhausted from his efforts, but having satisfied his puppet grudge, Male Ensemble Member tags out with the actual TUT NAY, Matt Polson, for the end of the show. Matt staggers down the stairs and collapses in a heap on top of Chauncey who- carrying forward the theme of the show- proceeds to sing a plaintive reprise rather than attend to the matter at hand of TUT NAY BLEEDING TO DEATH IN HER LAP. "I love you.....," Chauncey whispers brokenly. 
Cue fancy prop rose to drop the last lone petal. It drifts hauntingly to the tabletop. Nailed it. 
All of a sudden, Tinkerbell- who we haven't seen in this theater since the last revival of "Peter Pan"- makes a surprising and psychedelic entrance. We don't know what she's been up to for the last 10 years but tonight she's clearly been to a rave and/or experimenting with shrooms. Her light flashes neon and fluorescent as she drunkenly pops into the cat tower and then falls to the pavement only to weave loopily up the staircase where she finally passes out atop TUT NAY's prone form. 
Much as TUT NAY resents having his death scene stolen, he does not fail to see the golden opportunity of this situation. Rather than die, he thinks, why don't I just use the pixie dust Tink just spilled all over me to do something really dope? I'll fly! I'll FLY and - AND! I'LL TAKE OFF MY FAKE TEETH! Then we'll just see what Chauncey thinks of me then, now won't we!!!!
It's a good plan. TUT NAY thinks the happy thought of Chauncey scratching his ears for hours in his cat tower and flies right up into the air. "It's working!" he thinks happily. But then it gets even better. Thanks to Pyro-George and his over-indulgence in the war of appliance vs. townspeople the castle's fire extinguishers go off spontaneously and an amazing fog effect is created. Nailing it.
TUT NAY alights delicately on the platform next to Chauncey. She is, again, very impressed, though a bit concerned about Tinkerbell and her current comatose state. That aside, she thinks, this production of "Beauty & The Beast" is the best yet.