My pet-sitting instruction missive. I'll also call you. But where I'm going in Pennsylvania, I may not have reception, or toilet paper, so if one of their heads falls off, I wanted you to know which trash can to put it in.
Yesterday when I went to rehearsal I said to them, "This is a test. I'm not locking you in the bathroom. If I come home and anyone is electrocuted from chewing on wires, heads will roll." Which in retrospect I realize is redundant, but they did a very good job and so they are allowed free run of the house with the exception of my bedroom. I've shut that door. Everything in my life I value -like my horse figurines and throw pillows- is in there. The kittens are starting to climb, you see.
There's a very gross looking towel on the floor in front of my important trunk. It's not gross from poop or vomit- do not panic- it's old congealed food. I just am waiting til they're gone to wash it because futile.
When you arrive, I recommend for your sanity stuffing them all into the bathroom while you prepare food. Mostly so you won't step on and kill any of them. Because knowing you, you'd feel badly. The food is on my cereal shelf by the fridge. Help yourself to the human baby food- I'm not using it. There are two tiny tupperwares by the sink. Into each put half a can of wet food and like, a handful of the dry kitten chow (yellow bag- picky baby fuckers can't handle adult dry cat food yet- wussy teeth/pain in my ass cause the green store doesn't carry dry kitten food). Is spoon in sink. Stir. Ish. Put 'em down on gross towel and then crack the bathroom door. Squat down and prepare to receive the first two out and block the others. Good luck. Should be an Olympic event. Whoever makes it out first (and pro tip- if you can get both gray ones at once that's probably better until you can learn to tell them apart. Just so Pearl doesn't get double food and become even more monstrous/so Dust doesn't get thin and un-cute) put 'em on the towel. They know what to do. When those 2 are done, reseal them in the bathroom and get the other ones out. Repeat. Then release everyone from their chamber.
*There is also one small tupperware in the bathroom into which I put water. I don't know if they drink it. But I don't want to be taken to court for neglect.
They have 2 litter boxes because a. I'm generous and a good kitten caretaker, or b. I'm lazy and didn't want to scoop every day. They are very talented at using them. Extra is in the giant bag that's too heavy for me to carry by the toilet. (Please help yourself to the human toilet, btw.) But as long as you scoop it once a day, you shouldn't need to replenish. The litter, not the human toilet.
There's a tiny roll of Mr. Paul's favorite color poop bags on the window sill. Scoop is propped up by the radiator. It's gross--again--futile. Dumpster is behind the building, so if you don't mind, when you leave, just toss in there. That will save me burning down my apartment.
HELP YOURSELF to staying and playing and WHATEVER YOU WANT. I believe there are 2 expired chicken breasts in the freezer and the dregs of some Frosted Flakes guarding the corridor beside the fridge.
They are good kittens, so far, and really just love playing with each other and purring beside your neck. They like to go behind the couch and stay in the corner by the radiator. Which I've done my level best to block off but the side of the couch is angled, so, until I can purchase something heavy and wedge-shaped, I've given in. They like to flop around on the bright carpet under the coffee table. They like to run. Sounds like a marshmallow storm. Roland is an idiot. Marianne likes to watch "Breaking Bad." Dust is CUTE. Pearl....
I love you, THANK YOU for making this camping trip possible, you will be REWARDED.
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