While I find it unfortunate that "Game of Thrones" episodes are now limited to half an hour due to recaps and opening credits, I still do enjoy them. Despite also the fact that they take place almost entirely in the dark and in places that look very cold and where the women wear nothing but leather. Which also looks cold. I'm going to conduct an experiment right now: I'm going to start the opening credits and see how much I can get done while they're playing. I'll pause and report.
Report: I used the restroom, got a nectarine out of the hydrator drawer, ate most of it (fumed at how frustrating I find nectarines and re-swore never to buy them again), tossed the pit, returned to my den, and still had time to perform an improvised modern dance routine to the third chorus of the theme after the final key modulation.
We begin. Oh look, a sword. That's surprising.
The episode begins at The Wall- the location which is probably the chilliest and most without lightbulbs-iest.
Jon Snow has learned a lot of lessons recently. You can tell because now he is wearing a chignon. Everyone knows that when you are on TV or in a movie and are wise and esteemed, you wear a chignon. Like all the dance teachers in "Step Up" parts 1-360,751,004. We also find Jon Snow here wearing a leather quilt. Next level leathering. He tries to make a joke but is shut down and realizes that even though you got resurrected from the dead you still don't get to make funnies at The Wall. He and his mirthless companion hear someone playing a tuba in the front yard and pop their heads on the window to see what's going on. Joyful day! It's a very well set up shot of three riders coming through a gate. One is that small acorn-toned boy who seems to have a lot of gel in his hair and whose name escapes me, one is Sansa, and one is who I really wish Nick Aliff would go as for Halloween this year - Brienne of Tarth.
[Sidenote: I have a funny story about tartar sauce. Remind me.]
Jon and Sansa give each other a hug- viewers at home all feel suspiciously warm and cozy for a second, but remain on guard- this is "Game of Thrones" after all. They haven't seen each other since they left their house made entirely of rocks on the Northside after recently adopting a litter of genetically mutated puppies. They have a fireside chat (the first of its kind) and eat a soup made from old toenails and seashells until they get a note from the short attractive man who really should've been in "The Lord of the Rings" who is currently renting their house made of rocks telling them that he's got their baby brother in the dungeon and has killed one of their puppies. Really riled up now, but still not daring to advance his voice above a whisper, Jon Snow agrees with his sister that it'd probably be best that they go do something about that. Meanwhile Nick Aliff and the attractive man with hair like fire are teasing viewers by sort of seeming like they have the hots for each other but not quite pulling it off because everyone who has read the books knows that Brienne and Jaime probably ought to get together and - at the very least- bang it out.
Meanwhile, out on the porch, Melussthudre or Melaninthiph or whatever her name is (the lady who only wears red and has a seemingly never-ending supply of Garnier Nutrisse Color Sensation 4.26 Burgundy) is lost in thought. She hasn't quite been about to wrap her mind around the fact that she exposed one of her greatest secrets to so many people two weeks ago. That secret being- all you have to do to bring someone back from the dead is give them a mullet and rub their pecs for a second.
Elsewhere- a boy is aiming an arrow directly at camera. His uncle steps in and gives him a parakeet to distract him from the terrible job he is doing running his ravine and eventually talks him into invading someplace or other. But this isn't very threatening because as far as I can tell it's just the uncle, the kid, the parakeet, and one guardsman who looks like Grimace from McDonald's if he had real arms and was made of metal.
Still elsewhere in One Of The Two Places Where Some Colors Are Allowed, Tyrion is having a grand time in his ornate chair drinking wine and entertaining guests. Secure in the knowledge that he is the only person on the show who makes us feel like giggling is OK, he's feeling extra generous and loans some prostitutes to his visitors while he goes downstairs and has a long, pivotal conversation with members of the town council of which he understands not a word.
On the mountain, Ser Jorah like, really needs lotion and is continuing his desperate search for a Walgreen's with that guy who's rather hot and has a really large belt buckle. They decide it'd probably be best to rescue Daenerys out of the tepee in the middle of the city made of CGI and do so with little problem. They only have to break one guy's neck, stab and then crush the skull of another and rob some gas station to acquire enough gallons of gasoline to make Daenerys' exceptionally dramatic tepee trick go off without a hitch. More on that shortly.
Somewhere in here Anne Boleyn is sitting on the floor in a temple discussing accidental mis-interpretations of fairy tales with a pleasant looking older gentleman. She's still struggling with her choice to leave the Tudor Dynasty for King's Landing. But this goes on for hours.
Cersei interrupts a meeting with her son and a man who is obviously concealing jingle bells under his robes to have a heart-to-heart in front of a window and really drive home the point that she and her youngest could actually be twins.
[Sidenote: A+ to the person who puts Lena Headey's hair under that wig. Well, well done.]
In still another place of greyness and sadness and drizzle and furrowed brows, a brother and sister re-unite. It's grey and sad and dank and furrowy.
Attractive Hobbit Wannabe on the Northside stabs a woman to death for interrupting his eating an apple by attempting to have sex with him. This makes it very clear that he is indeed spoiling for a fight and it will be a good thing when Jon Snow and Sansa arrive to do whatever it is they're going to do to get their brother out of the basement.
Finally, Daenerys gets yanked out of her widow tepee slumber party to go to a meeting of Order of Brunette Men Who Braid Each Other's Beards. She was starting to have a good time at the party, so she's sort of peeved, and that on top of the fact that they have taken from her all of her blue gowns made of hankies stitched together and made her wear a potato sack proves to be too much. She burns the place down and then steps casually out onto the front porch where all the extras from the series have gathered because they've heard she's shooting this scene nude.
Next week I hope the dragons come back. They must be shooting something else
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