One of my favorite parts of my friendship with Joseph Papa is taking a shower in his apartment.
We've had many apartments over the years- sometimes together- and it can never be said that one is hurting for reading material while showering.
In Joseph's shower since the dawn of time there have been many, many, many tiny bottles. Some medium sized bottles and occasionally a couple of large ones. Unsuspecting persons might step into Joseph's shower with confidence, assuming from years of shower experience that the potions contained in these bottles are shampoo, conditioner, etc.
Don't be so sure.
These bottles are very mysterious. Each has a very detailed label with chapters of information printed on it. This morning alone I learned about:
1. Tourmaline Charged Exfoliating Nettoyant Exfoliant- increases cell turnover and contains beads.
2. Kiehl's Amino Acid Coconut Oil - contains Protein and Wheat Starch. Can I achieve similar results washing whatever part of my body this is intended for with ground beef and pita bread?
3. Shampure - I've never seen that word before but this bottle claims to have 25 flowers inside.
4. A different bottle of Shampure- this one containing morikue protein. Also Lavandula Angustifolia and Linalool. Really.
5. An bottle with an orange label upon which 90% of the font is too small for me to read, but does have a quote from Abraham Lincoln printed on one side. He was big into exfoliation.
6. Cumming off buff. This claims to be a body scrub. You're not supposed to use it on your eyeballs or put it inside of your body.
I used my soap from Walgreens. Partly because I'm an excellent house guest and bring my own things and partly because heaven knows what would've happened to me if I'd tried Cumming Shampure Linalool Acid Protein on my face. Wait. I know what would've happened. I'd have emerged from the shower with flawless hair and skin. Just like Joseph.
(Please hold while I return all of these tiny, tiny bottles to the shower.)
Another observation about this particular shower which leads me into today's theme- "Things Which Made Me Feel Weird Today": the towel rod.
I brought up the ruler app on my phone and measured. This towel rod is seven feet off the ground. I thought about that for a while in between reading bottles. You should think about it too. I'm going to ask Joseph and JS about it when they get home tonight. Right after I ask them if I can have this "My Little Pony" coffee mug I just found in the kitchen.
The rest of the "Things Which Made Me Feel Weird Today" are as follows:
[Sidenote: weird- by definition- means mysterious, uncanny, unusual, supernatural. So these are not all unpleasant feelings, necessarily. Just feelings which I noticed when I felt them. If one of these was cause of a notably unpleasant feeling, I will document as much with an asterisk.]
1. The fact that a fantastic, super-athletic and very well choreographed pole-dance routine performed to Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" by a snazzy looking dude on the subway this morning received zero applause and absolutely no attention. Except for from me, who was avidly recording the show and occasionally turning the camera on myself to make faces expressing my feelings on the performance so that when I sent the video to my brother and his wife, we would all be on the same page.
2. Le Pain Quotidien. This is the name of a pastry and bread shop. Which I only know because I looked it up. The title of the store itself made me want to do the opposite of approach. Sounds like math and suffering.
3. The third degree I received from a pert, smart looking lady in a thrift store near Union Square about my kitten brooch. I was in the store in search of a spring hat (an acceptable one of which I did not find in all of Manhattan) and a horse figurine. The lady running the store was very interested in my attire. I explained that my kitten brooch was a prize possession received from my brother who brought it back for me from his honeymoon. It was located at a small shop at the base of mountain which specialized in weaponry and fur kitten faces glued to safety pins. Good shop. She then wanted to know more about my "vintage" Honaker Redbud Festival T-shirt. Soon.
4. The row of adorable round and squishy wildly colored rice balls in the refrigerator display case at "Bread & Butter." Shops here are either titled with a vivid imagination at play- The Cure, Cabrini, Au Bon Pain; or with bitter practicality- Burgers & Cupcakes, Bread & Butter, Fork & Spoon. I almost walked into that last one to see if they also sold food.
[Sidenote: I had to pause here to cry on purpose because my right contact popped out while I was eating sushi wrapped in avocados and, lacking water to moisten it, had to stick it back in my eye dry and then weep at the muffin counter until it moistened back up and I no longer felt like I had an eye frittata.]
5. The gentleman sitting to my left while I wept. He had a tattoo on his upper right arm. All I could see of the tattoo was a man's legs and sandaled feet poking out of his shirt sleeve just above his elbow. I wondered about this tattoo until he whipped out his phone and brought up at top volume a podcast entirely en Espanol featuring a background image of Jesus Christ wearing a mahogany bathrobe. It was Jesus. As I wiped my fake tears I thought this fellow couldn't get any more interesting but then he cracked open a styrofoam box full of bologna and proceed to thoughtfully consume it one slab at a time with a plastic fork.
6. Every single woman I saw today was pregnant.
7. Except for the ones who were walking very quickly and very thinly looking very bereft in their white skinny jeans with their poodles.
8. The knockoff Cookie Monster with a black leather clutch prowling Times Square.*
9. The giant Kit-Kat bar in the Hershey's store. It had no dents, grooves, or sections. It's not a Kit-Kat without those things. Just a flat hard block.*
10. Matt Zimmerman.*
People I made feel weird today:
1. Matt Zimmerman.
2. Dixon Cashwell.
Happy Anniversary Joseph and JS. You had a pony at your wedding. I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment