Maple & Mincks

Shortly after the clock struck midnight, the curtain speech came to a close and I stopped trying to remember the birth order of Mincks children to pass the time. Bo Wilson had a pencil behind his ear, Jason Winebarger was in the house, and Katrinah and I were both wearing capes. It was time to start the play.

All I knew about this play going in was that it looked to be about McLean doing a production of “Side Show” with herself and that if you’re a girl, you have to have red hair to be involved. Neither of these things turned out to be true, but I did develop a lot more questions during Act I.

1. Is that the “Cmplt Wrks” set?
2. Which one of these boys is the boy I wound up next to in a booth at Lady N’awlins the other night?
3. Who has more hair gel- Landon or the black haired boy who may have been in the booth with me at Lady N’awlins the other night?
4. Is that an iPad or a small television the other boy who may have been in the booth with me at Lady N’awlins is using as a belt buckle?
5. Were the costumes for this play designed specifically to make me itch with jealousy? See McLean’s sweatsuit and Addie’s crosshatch collarbone dress.
6. Why Cheerios? I could never eat non-Honey Nut Cheerios straight out of the box. May as well eat the box.
7. Did Addie take ballet for an extended period of time? If not, how does she stand so well and naturally in third position?
8. Did Landon give that monologue halfway through Act I impromptu because the ocean abruptly stopped and he felt the audience might feel awkward?
9. Where does one get wood-brown character shoes?
10. Was the scrubs store out of matching tops and bottoms? If so, what was behind the decision to go with two different earth tones and not, for example, a matching set of kitten or bunny scrubs?

Then it was time for Act II. It should be noted that, for reasons still unclear to the author, John Mincks elected to sit on the other side of his theater-going companion for Act II. The author must also confess that she may have spent a disproportionate amount of time during Act II trying to think of reasons why this maneuver had taken place.

In Act II our leading couple has moved into a charming home. There is an area rug, a sofa with 11 upholstered buttons running across the center, and- so conveniently for the daily commute- a box making factory located in the down right corner of the living room. Hair gel/glasses man seems to enjoy his work putting obviously non-functional glue onto box flaps. He spends a lot of time on the couch with Mclean pretending he’s never heard of pigs-in-a-blanket. As an audience member, you can also discern that either he or Mclean have a private passion for musical theater, as they have as part of their decor a set piece from the Hooverville scene from “Annie,” which they keep in the back corner of the room in case one of their dinner parties advances beyond foxtrot class and discussion of mayonnaise and a musical number is in order.

Addie made my life much better in Act II when, while sitting bored on the couch as two other actors inconsiderately had a long conversation a few feet away in which they did not include her, fixed a ruffled napkin on the coffee table and caused it to lay flat.

Later on, Landon spent a curious amount of time examining the painted television on the backdrop and Addie was once again rudely ignored as she sat primly and silently by the side table as everyone around gabbed on about their lives. Most mysteriously, one of those boys who may have been in the booth with me at Lady N’awlins strolled onstage at one point and painted the word “Gooch” onto the backdrop. I felt this was disrespectful to the scenic designer and also not the most effective or professional way to suggest a show for next season.

Finally, McLean tries to trick everyone into thinking that her dishcloth is a baby and that it is easy for all women to sleep with their hair in a French twist. As she is making her case, in what is really a forward-thinking move and a great use of manpower- the rest of the cast starts re-setting the stage for the next performance.

The moral of the story is: John Mincks- explain yourself.